Sensory sensitivities during intimacy
You’ve set aside time for playful connection. Everyone involved is into what’s happening. It’s all is going smoothly until it’s suddenly really not.
You’re flooded by the urge to flee the room, or hide under the covers.
You don’t know what’s wrong, but everything feels very wrong. Or numb. Or raw! You disconnect from yourself, your playmate/s, and it’s a challenge to get back into intimate state of bodymind.
Maybe you’re here because you’re wondering, why doesn’t my partner enjoy sex? Or, why don’t I get turned on with my partner? The answer might be more simple than you believe, and could be linked to sensory sensitivity.
As a relationship therapist in Montreal working with neurodivergent and highly sensitive persons I have seen many couples come into therapy for sexual challenges, each hoping that the other partner can be “fixed” or made to change.
The good news: there is pretty much never one person to blame. It’s way more likely that an external ick is getting in the way of a good time. Here, I’ll be focussing on sensory factors. As in, “it’s not you, it’s the overhead lighting.”
Whether you’re connecting with partners or solo, intimate contact can easily be dysregulating when you are sensitive to light, sound, smells, textures, temperatures, and even time. So here’s where a little experimentation goes a long way. Small changes in the environment and in the approach to intimate activities can make the difference between having 0/5 capacity for intimacy to feeling 3/5 capacity.
You might be thinking: hang on, 3/5 desire can’t be good enough, I learned in consent class that I must be highly enthusiastic about going into any intimate play before it starts.
Yet there won’t always be that “Fuck Yeah!” feeling about sex, especially in long term relationships, and even more so for neurodivergent and disabled folks; it’s more common to be feeling “fuck? meh...” That meh experience of not minding whether or not sexy times happen is called responsive desire (as opposed to spontaneous desire, where wanting sexy times seems to come out of nowhere) and one of my favourite consent and intimacy educators Mia Schachter has great things to teach about it in their piece on Utterly unenthusiastic but totally consensual sex.
To increase the level of openness to intimate connection enough that you’re willing to start playing and see where it goes, it can be worth making small, doable adjustments. Because when we don’t attend to external sensory and environmental stressors, they can mount up and sometimes lead to a dead bedroom, which could make one or all involved feel rejected.
So before you ask the question, am I a bad partner for not wanting sex enough? or, do I want sex too much? try examining any sensory icks that could be a block between you and your sensual self expression. Below is a rundown of some of the senses and a few common examples of stressful input, as well as suggestions to spark your imagination. They are intended as inspiration rather than prescription, so be open to your intuition as you consider your own relationship to each sense and what works to support your unique bodymind.
Sight: This one is first because humans are thought to be primarily visual creatures. Stress can come from spaces with bright or flickering lightbulbs, sometimes even colours or patterns on the wall can be a lot to process. Eye contact and being perceived by someone else can be a lot, in more ways than just sensory!
Try: fitting low-brightness, warm yellow / incandescent bulbs, string lights, turning the lights off, covering mirrors, playing in a neutral room, wearing an eye mask or blindfold
Sound: The humming of an AC unit or fridge, the electrical whine of a light. the noise of another body close to your own can be amplified and become distracting, or create the not-so-nice kind of ASMRs. Likewise silence can be just as distressing and you may crave volume.
Try: co-creating a sensual playlist together for intimate time, using pillows, noise cancelling headphones or earplugs, plugging in a white noise machine.
Smell: For many, this is often the most sensitive sense. And the body produces some interesting scents. Not to mention laundry detergent on clothing, cologne, and skin care products. A small disclosure: recently I could not focus on being present with a date because there was a strawberry yogurt on the table in the next room!
Try: lighting a mildly scented candle or massage oil, using non-scented body products, asking your partner to shower before play (you can do this together if you like), chewing mint or cinammon candy.
Touch: texture is a big one for a lot of folks, as well as temperature. Hair might be ticklish. Kissing on the mouth could feel like too much stimulation all at once, particularly at the start of an intimate date. Cold hands and feet can be distracting. Then there is the experience of touch saturation or feeling “touched out,” when receiving tactile contact is at a limit.
Try: identifying clothing or fabric you’d like on or near you, wearing latex or other disposable gloves, tying hair back, fuzzy socks, shaving or waxing, trying a variety pack of lube samples, experimenting with non-physical contact like a sexy photoshoot, reading/ watching erotic content together, or solo sex in the same space.
Time: Is time a sense? Well, no. But it’s the quickest way to talk about empathy thresholds. Spending a long time in vulnerable, intimate space can feel overwhelming. It may seem that the expectation is to hold focus on one thing for an extended period, or to remain open to receive sustained romantic attention.
Try: Take breaks during a date. Schedule your intimate time when it’s less likely to be amidst a stressful schedule. if you’ve already had a high-input day, or you haven’t had time to recharge after being around a lot of people, you might need to take care of your own needs for a few minutes first before entering into an intimate space.
Intimacy doesn’t have to follow a socially normative script to be enjoyable. For neurodivergent people, creating a satisfying sensual connection with ourselves and others is often less about fixing something broken inside a person and more about tuning into your needs, tending to the environment, and experimenting with curiosity. The path to authentic self expression can absolutely include fuzzy socks, dim lights, and a well-timed snack break.
If you’re still feeling stuck, you don’t have to figure this out alone. Working with a counsellor who understands sensory and neurodivergent experiences can help you co-create the conditions where intimacy feels possible again.
Please share your thoughts in the comments below! What’s worked for you to support sensory sensitivities, in the bedroom and beyond? Do you have an opposite sensory experience to anything outlined in this article? What would you add or change?
references for further exploration
Autism & Masking During Sex https://neuroclastic.com/autism-and-having-sex-plus-sex-hacks-for-autistic-couples/
Sensory hacks for Autistics https://neuroclastic.com/sensory-sex-hacks-for-autistics/
Sensory Sensitivities During Sex https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ALPmlk1mQIM
What’s going on with my dead bedroom https://www.blueharbortherapy.com/articles-1/what-is-going-on-with-my-dead-bedroom
Touched out: Coping strategies for overwhelm https://thriveworks.com/help-with/parenting/touched-out/
Utterly unenthusiastic but Totally Consensual Sex https://consentwizardry.substack.com/p/some-examples-of-utterly-unenthusiastic